I can feel my anxiety coming back and I’m really fucking terrified about going back to school. I know I WANT to go back, but I’m so scared things don’t change. Last year sucked ass. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t do backstage drama because I felt like a useless piece of shit, I hardly took part in anything, I got so stressed that I constantly made myself sick… and I don’t want any of that to happen again.

I want to set up a Amnesty group for my school, I want to take part in drama more than I ever have (but I feel like my drama teacher doesn’t trust me now and isn’t going to give me a second chance, even though I want to somehow prove that I can change), I want to learn French (but the French teacher has been a bitch to my family because of my brother’s Japanese lessons and she might just take it out on me. Doesn’t help to have my mum telling me this.), I want to take part in the dance group, I want to get really athletic (which is impossible if you get sick every second week) and get a really good IB so I can go where I want. I don’t want to screw this all up and repeat last year. And I’m so scared my exam results aren’t good enough. You have no idea how much I am panicking over this.

Why the fuck do I have to be the one with this stupid thing?! I want to kill it. I want it to stop controlling my life. I want it to stop making me a self-obsessed bitch.

I keep getting spam comments coming up on my page where I have comments waiting to be accepted. It’s so irritating. How’s this: PISS OFF.

On a lighter note… this week has gone by much quicker than I expected it to. I still have my English analysis to do as well as the pictures for my art project, that I’m planning to draw with my wacom tablet. I don’t know how my art teacher is going to feel about me using two different paints on my painting, but I need to. It looks better in oil, but the irises have to be acrylic so I can use the acrylic based transfer on it. Any advice on this?

Had my drama group again tonight. It’s totally weird being the new one… it’s not like starting at a new school. It’s going into an environment where everyone already knows each other and talks about people or teachers you don’t know (well those who go to the same school) and they all know each other. Then I come in and I know I can’t expect everyone to act neutral just for me. They should carry on as usual, but it’s just weird for me. I haven’t been the only new one in a group for so long.

are so annoying sometimes. I won’t go into huge detail but I will bring up one thing! There’s two English papers in the two different exams. I got an averaged A in English Literature which was awesome! Then the English Language I got an A* in one paper! I was raving! I’ve never gotten an A* ever and I really want a good English grade because of art/film/screenwriting aspirations. But the second paper… I’d apparently left out a question, which I either mis-read on what/how many you were supposed to do or wasn’t told to ignore the unstructions and it ended up being a D, even though I got a 28/30 and 23/30 on the questions I did do! One of the English teachers told me my answers were brilliant but because I’d forgotten one… I think this is where I use my brother’s annoying “facepalm” word. At least it only averaged up to a B, but man! I HAD AN A FUCKING *!

It’s only the mocks… but I wanted to use them as predicted grades for part-time jobs and applying to schools. So would it be wrong of me to put A* instead of the B on my CV? Since I know I can get it and would have if I’d done the question!

I didn’t actually realise anyone from school read this. Not that it bothers me. Hell, it’s not like I’m writing on here like it’s a fucking diary. Anyway… nothing to rant about really. I’m bloody exhausted -_- I managed to get quite a bit done in Art today, so that’s good. I still need to fill my sketchbook up with painting technique tests that I’ve left blanks for O.O I don’t know WHY I ever did that, because now I HAVE to fill them in! But I have my project idea, which we have to start next Monday. We only have four weeks left, before the control test which I’m looking forward to but also kinda dreading. Hopefully it’s something GOOD. The only hard thing is that when it comes to the actual TEST (after the few weeks of preparing it) we can’t ask for advice from the teacher. Which actually is no problem for me, because I never do that anyway. I’m stubborn, hate being told what to do and never believe anyone except myself. I’m real trustworthy (: lol

I might upload a painting I did of my idea later on to dA. It’s just a test to see how it looks and how I’m going to paint it. At the moment I’m planning to use transfer solution to put the reflections in the eyes separately as I don’t know how I’d paint them, especially with only blue tones xD

So pretty dull blog entry, I just like keeping up to date. Any interesting stories?

I feel so relaxed now that most of the exams are over. This is the first day I can just relax and not have to study or be desperate to sleep. I actually expected to sleep in but I was meant to go into the art department at school and then to the hairdressers. None of that happened though because the bus didn’t show up and I wasn’t able to get an appointment for today. Which is really annoying because I haven’t had my hair cut or dyed properly in ages. It feels so messy.

I watched Waking Life this afternoon and it was really good. A lot of people thought Richard Linklater was just trying to create something that seemed philosophical for dumb people. That really annoyed me. I haven’t seen a lot of films similar, but I really enjoyed it. The characters asked a lot of questions I’ve been asking a lot and I was glad to see others thought the same way. Plus I loved that cartoon style, that they also used in A Scanner Darkly.

If you have any movie suggestions that are similar or you just really enjoyed let me know. I like more artsy, independent films but regular ones are good too

What do you think of my new theme? I liked the simplicity of the last one, but I wanted something different and I liked this one! I can’t really blog about much because I have so much studying to do and I’m already procrastinating… I have to catch up loads with Latin, because I didn’t learn it much in class. My plan for this weekend is to do physics, maths, latin and german. I have those over Monday and Tuesday. Then I can spend Monday and Tuesday revising the subjects for Wednesday etc. Ugh… Revision advice is always welcome.

Nothing much else has been going on. I’ve been ill for a while, so mainly recovering and trying to study at the same time. My two week long migraine still hasn’t disappeared. Maybe it has something to do with me stressing about school? Well, my doctor suggested I see a counsellor. Yay, a head shrinker! Doubtful. If I don’t talk to my friends, I’m not gonna talk to a stupid lady in stupid white coat (my imagination is running away with me).

Funniest Supernatural episode ever: Yellow Fever

I’ve been writing more of my novel. I think I’m as far as 24000 words, but I’m too lazy to check. I use Celtx for writing my stories too, because it’s prettier than OpenOffice. But unfortunately it doesn’t have a word count, so I have to copy and paste, which I’m too lazy to do. Remember to check out http://missdanabanana.deviantart.com for updates and any new photographs I’ve taken!