I can feel my anxiety coming back and I’m really fucking terrified about going back to school. I know I WANT to go back, but I’m so scared things don’t change. Last year sucked ass. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t do backstage drama because I felt like a useless piece of shit, I hardly took part in anything, I got so stressed that I constantly made myself sick… and I don’t want any of that to happen again.
I want to set up a Amnesty group for my school, I want to take part in drama more than I ever have (but I feel like my drama teacher doesn’t trust me now and isn’t going to give me a second chance, even though I want to somehow prove that I can change), I want to learn French (but the French teacher has been a bitch to my family because of my brother’s Japanese lessons and she might just take it out on me. Doesn’t help to have my mum telling me this.), I want to take part in the dance group, I want to get really athletic (which is impossible if you get sick every second week) and get a really good IB so I can go where I want. I don’t want to screw this all up and repeat last year. And I’m so scared my exam results aren’t good enough. You have no idea how much I am panicking over this.
Why the fuck do I have to be the one with this stupid thing?! I want to kill it. I want it to stop controlling my life. I want it to stop making me a self-obsessed bitch.
I might make a video blog later today… well there’s not much point if I do this haha. I feel too tired and shit to do one anyhow. Perhaps on the weekend after my scene in the film.
It’s my third day of work experience at the Dundee Rep Theatre. Today we learned about the Scottish Dance Theatre, props and stage management. It was way better than Monday and Tuesday! I’m definitely considering joining the dance classes, because it sounds so incredibly cool =D Apart from that, they are really really nice and I’m getting on well with everyone (inc those also doing work experience). I haven’t spent a lot of time at the Byre in St Andrews (just Youth Theatre for a short term and two school productions), but the Rep sounds/looks so much nicer and more professional. One of the ladies there suggested joining THEIR youth theatre hahaha.
I also got my hair cut, so you may see pictures of that soon! But I have to go now…. my best friend is having a fundraiser and I need to leave NOW! AHh!
I hate going to the doctor. But I had to. Pain was way worse this morning. She’s not exactly sure what’s wrong, but all the signs lead to acid reflux. Which is sort of weird, since I’m one of the healthiest people I know! And it’s usually caused by overeating or eating before bed (which I am guilty of). And apparently too much coffee causes it…. oops. Well, whatever. I have some medicine and hopefully it will go before work experience starts next week. I’ll still force myself to do it, because I really want to, but I’d rather not be in extreme pain the entire time lol.
It hasn’t settled in that summer has started today haha. Well I missed the last few days of school, so that may be why. What a way to start the holidays! I am actually grinning like crazy though =D I’m so relieved it’s finally the holidays and I can start doing my own thing. And I have such awesome things to do! Hahaha.
Also making a pact to read through the pile of books I’ve bought this year but not actually read:
The first two Charlaine Harris books (True Blood)
Nobody’s Girl by Sarra Manning
Several “Classics” to improve my literature “knowledge” and all that shit
The newest House of Night book, whatever that is
&&etc
BTW! I just download some new songs from Amazon (way cheaper there!) and love this:
Carbon Based Lifeforms – Right Where It Ends
Just close your eyes, use headphones and turn the volume up. It’s so sort of sexy and moving. Or maybe it just seems that way when you listen to it in the dark when falling asleep… But good news: it’s currently free on Amazon, so get in there!
The Kin – See
Here’s another great song by The Kin. Sorry, it’s acoustic again, but it’s not exactly awful either. These boys have soul! Hahahaha! I tried to cover ‘Together’ on guitar and totally failed. There’s certain chords I have yet to conquer. My fingers just don’t bend certain ways xD
I’ve finally found the song I’ve been looking for:
Example – Kickstarts Again
I heard this song live on T4 or some other show like that, wanted to download it but couldn’t find the name of the band or anything! I was so friggin annooyyeddd! Now the advert for the album is on TV! Yay!
On more negative news…. I am in SO MUCH PAIN. I have heartburn apparently. Which is something I only thought old people got. Y’know the stupid advert with the traffic warden in the road and the voice goes “Do you have heartburn?” in the stupid TV voice and then she starts dancing to “What A Feeling”? Yeah well I’m not at that stage yet. It hurts so bad… I can barely walk because as soon as I move it hurts like crazy. :( And I’m starting to get dizzier by the hour… I bet it’s something really serious and not heartburn at all. That would be so like me. Actually it would be more like me just to get really undangerous things all the time lol. I feel all self-pitying and I just wish someone would look after me. Except the whole family is out today (it’s my dad’s birthday and graduation – and my presents for him haven’t come in yet!) so I’m all alone and about to knock myself out if I get up again. I hate being ill, cause I get all self-pitying – as I’m sure you can tell hahaha – and co-dependent. I just can’t do it anymoroeeeeeeee
Anyway. School finishes tomorrow and I kind of want to say goodbye to people but a lot are already leaving today so I guess I’m going to be FBing goodbye? haha.
Owowowo!
Okay, I’m too sore to blog. Bye bye. Take care, friendos. Dana out. Okay, ima shut up now. I’m just lonely lmao xD and i write shit when i feel shit. okay bye.
I have been scribbling in a notepad for WEEKS, writing lengthy diary entries and ramblings every time I was pissed off, depressed or had a brilliant idea and I finally know where I want to go with this story. This is the one I really want to tell, more than Opposites Attract, more than anything else. I just hope that wall doesn’t pop up out of nowhere again.
Please please please comment on dA or here about what you think of it so far. I know it’s not much.
So… slightly disaster with my art project and my teacher isn’t amused about me asking to drag it out to Monday. You’re not allowed. It had to be finished by yesterday. See the thing is… I didn’t order enough brick slips, so I ordered more, but they didn’t arrive on time. Would have helped if my mum had sent the money order off quicker. I would have done it myself, but I had school all week, so I couldn’t go to the post office. Whatever, it’s my own fault. I’m just going to ramble in my sketchbook about how I didn’t manage to do it in the ten hours, but it adds to the wrecked/old/vintage look lol. Sorted. I guess.
This weekend rocks. I went to the spa today, which wasn’t as fancy as I expected, but still absolutely awesome. And tomorrow I’m going to (big city which I won’t name incase of stalkers or perves lol) to go shopping and I’m visiting the American Apparel store and also the Alexander Wang store! I love his stuff and I’ve heard they’re really comfy too… just a tad expensive. Not overly, but more than I would usually spend. I’m not sure if I blogged about him here, but I did over at ifuckfashion if you want to read about him. Not a hugely informative post, just a mention.
I wish I had a picture of my art project to upload here, but unfortunately they’re all on my school account. Maybe next week.
I keep getting spam comments coming up on my page where I have comments waiting to be accepted. It’s so irritating. How’s this: PISS OFF.
On a lighter note… this week has gone by much quicker than I expected it to. I still have my English analysis to do as well as the pictures for my art project, that I’m planning to draw with my wacom tablet. I don’t know how my art teacher is going to feel about me using two different paints on my painting, but I need to. It looks better in oil, but the irises have to be acrylic so I can use the acrylic based transfer on it. Any advice on this?
Had my drama group again tonight. It’s totally weird being the new one… it’s not like starting at a new school. It’s going into an environment where everyone already knows each other and talks about people or teachers you don’t know (well those who go to the same school) and they all know each other. Then I come in and I know I can’t expect everyone to act neutral just for me. They should carry on as usual, but it’s just weird for me. I haven’t been the only new one in a group for so long.
I’ve been working like crazy to hurry along my latest art project for school. I won’t give away my idea yet, but here is my testing of colours.
Please don’t focus on the crappy eyes… they don’t look realistic at all. I was practicing using blue tones as the entire painting will be done with those. It is very simple and quickly done, but it gave me a better idea of what I am planning to do. The artwork will be based on Misguided Ghosts by Paramore, which is the text of the project. I don’t like Paramore at all, but I like the lyrics of this song as I feel it relates to how I’ve been feeling about things in my personal life. I’m going to try and not get all deep now xD
And my photography project is almost done. I’m so slow. The pictures are finished, but the display won’t be ready for another few weeks. My art teacher just put up the prints for the exhibition last week, but only by themselves.
I didn’t actually realise anyone from school read this. Not that it bothers me. Hell, it’s not like I’m writing on here like it’s a fucking diary. Anyway… nothing to rant about really. I’m bloody exhausted -_- I managed to get quite a bit done in Art today, so that’s good. I still need to fill my sketchbook up with painting technique tests that I’ve left blanks for O.O I don’t know WHY I ever did that, because now I HAVE to fill them in! But I have my project idea, which we have to start next Monday. We only have four weeks left, before the control test which I’m looking forward to but also kinda dreading. Hopefully it’s something GOOD. The only hard thing is that when it comes to the actual TEST (after the few weeks of preparing it) we can’t ask for advice from the teacher. Which actually is no problem for me, because I never do that anyway. I’m stubborn, hate being told what to do and never believe anyone except myself. I’m real trustworthy (: lol
I might upload a painting I did of my idea later on to dA. It’s just a test to see how it looks and how I’m going to paint it. At the moment I’m planning to use transfer solution to put the reflections in the eyes separately as I don’t know how I’d paint them, especially with only blue tones xD
So pretty dull blog entry, I just like keeping up to date. Any interesting stories?
:( And I’m starting to get dizzier by the hour… I bet it’s something really serious and not heartburn at all. That would be so like me. Actually it would be more like me just to get really undangerous things all the time lol. 
